theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
