Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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