who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
