Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
