Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
worst night to have a conscience
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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