i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
