By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
