You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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