Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
