We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
