I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
