He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
