I will die if light touches me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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