Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have fence marks all over my body
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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