Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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