Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
