i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
