i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
