so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
