Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
