How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
