they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
