I think my fart just growled at me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
