i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He better not be in your backpack
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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