I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
