If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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