I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
