Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
