I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
