that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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