thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
