he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
