and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
