everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
