so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
