Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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