based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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