at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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