Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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