hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
