Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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