Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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