Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
