Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
