You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
