If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
