your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I will pee on everything he values.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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