my mouth tastes like poor choices
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
