My friends, they love my intelligence
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Dick very happy bro
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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