I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
