if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
