we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
