Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
