I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
