I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize