I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
