Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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