He uses pillows to masturbate.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
